An ABUNDANCE of TEARS

I was told by my nurse yesterday not to take my shots in the morning before my ultrasound. I went in this morning for my ultrasound and the doc was thrilled about the results of my ovaries. I had ten plus viable eggs on each ovary. He said that night we would definitely trigger with HCG. Dr. H said to wait for the call from our nurse, Heidi to give us a HCG injection time and egg retrieval instructions. I did my blood work and headed home in good spirits.

About noon I got a phone call at work from my nurse, Heidi indicating my estrogen levels had dropped dramatically. They were really concerned and I needed to go back to the University to redo my blood work. I got there about two o'clock. A favorite person was right there to greet me. Gail Larson is one of the head nurses at the infertility clinic and one of my esthetic clients. She has been there a really long time and just has a way with people. She reminds me of my mom in so many ways. Seeing her just brightens your day!! Now she works with only infertility donors but a quick chat does a body good at each of our appointments.

She sat down with us and explained the results of low estrogen. It means some of my eggs stopped developing and turned poopie. They want to see a continual increase in estrogen until they retrieve the eggs. With the decrease Gail said; "If you were my daughter I would say cancel the cycle and try again next cycle. It doesn't mean next cycle this would happen again. This only happens about 12 out of 500 IVF cycles a year"

After the brutal details and understanding I began to really cry. This has been such a grueling process and I continue each day knowing there is an end and reward to all this nonsense. Gail shoots straight and I am HONESTLY THANKFUL for that! I wanted to know the truth.

The phlebotomist was ready. I went in to get my blood taken. They rushed the results but we chose to go home and wait for a call.

As we walked down the hall an abundance of tears began to flow. My body hurt. I am worn out. Ben tried his very best to make me feel better but there wasn't a way to make me feel better. The intense desire for something coupled with the inability to fulfill that desire is life's most painful combination. I felt defeated! Ben met me at the U so we came in separate cars. He held me tight as I balled. COULD THIS REALLY BE HAPPENING???? Benny got me to stop crying with his analytic side. "Why cry until you really know your blood work results and the outcome. It's going to be okay. Put your trust in The Lord." More than ever I needed strength. I needed hope. I needed comfort. I think I would have been fine if we hadn't had so many crash courses and bloopers with the damn Reproductive Care Center in Sandy. THE WORST PLACE EVER!!! I had to remind myself that we were in the right place, with the right doctor. I know this with all my heart.

The drive home was rough but nothing a mom can't make better. I AM MORE THANKFUL THAN EVER FOR A MOM THAT IS MY SECOND ROCK!! (my husb being the first) She has been there for me every single day! There are days I call her multiple time and vent over THE DUMBEST, MOST RIDICULOUS THINGS but she makes me feel valid. She makes me feel like I can do anything, always reminding me of the outcome! On all my hard days she reminds me; "It will be worth it Laur! You can do this!"  I SURE LOVE YOU MOM!!!! Although you don't understand a bit of infertility through your own body of conceiving 6 might I say, FABULOUS CHILDREN.... you are THE MOST understanding, supportive individual in my life of challenges. YOU ARE SUPER WOMEN AND TRULY ONE OF GODS ANGELS!! THANK YOU!!!

Dr. H called me about 4pm. My estrogen levels had increased a little since my last blood draw. He wanted to go ahead since we qualified for the guaranteed program. Meaning we get about 80% of our money back if we don't deliver a live born baby to try for another cycle. He said they almost canceled one of his patients in his last cycle for the same reason and she ended up pregnant with twins. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said I trusted his judgement. Dr. H is the most incredible doctor!! He said; "Then we will go ahead with an egg retrieval Thursday morning. Wait for a call from Heidi to discuss your trigger shot."

HOLY BLOODY HELL!!!! 

ONE WORD.....

RELIEF!