BrOkeN hEaRtEd

We went out to breakfast to calm our nerves before “the call.” If you are wondering what it feels like to get a phone call where the person on the other end is about to tell you if you are pregnant or not, try this: Take all of your savings account, stack it on a craps table, throw in all your hopes and dreams, too, and then give those dice a good roll. Moments like those become roller coaster rides of emotions that end up turning a simple pregnancy test into an extreme sport.

I'm so sad! Sad can't begin to describe the pain I am feeling. My heart is in pieces. We transferred 2 perfect text book embryos. I couldn't believe neither of them took when our doc was nervous transferring two thinking we would have twins. I'm trying to understand if I did something wrong. I'm very healthy! I rested, ate right and really took care of my body during 11 days of bed rest. I'm so scared to go through the physical, mental and emotional torture. I want to believe my doctor when he says its just a numbers game and our success rate is high. And more than anything have the faith it will work! I thought I knew what devastation but now I feel a deeper pain.  I know what "heart break" physically feels like. 

There are only so many hits you can take emotionally before getting knocked down completely. This experience has made me a bit harder, a bit more immune to the disappointment. Maybe I should have been more realistic but I was full of hope this time. Should I of put up a barrier to protect myself? We haven't set a limit on how many times we'll do this. We will continue to see how we feel – emotionally, physically and financially – at the end of the cycle. I have enough eggs, and they're good embryos, so I think as long as that's happening, why not carry on? Should I carry on with scientific expectations from now on? What a big failure!

The overall success rate for in vitro fertilization is about 30%. One in three women who walk away from months of shots, headaches, cold and hot sweats, tears, joint pain, raging hormones, egg retrievals implantation's and thousands of dollars in generally uninsured medical procedures-- with a pregnancy. That means that two in three women who go through all of that stress, anxiety and anticipation don’t have a baby to show for it.

What keeps me going is my relationship with Ben. It's easy to let the passion go because it's all about getting pregnant but I have an AMAZING husband who is understanding and patient with ALL THIS jazz. It will be nice to have a break between cycles. Although we have been pretty good about staying consistent with our 'routine' of life, we can get back to being a normal couple again. I can lose the 17 lbs of hormonal weight I gained in 4 weeks.... while eating clean and exercising. OH, HOW I LOVE the hormonal hell of menopause. 

I've had a rough ride but he has too. Men have to watch their partners go through it all and there's that stupid stigma attached – the idea you can't get your wife pregnant. He's had a few "jokes" at work, people saying: "Oh, I'll come round and get her pregnant for you." I have close friends and family say all the time: "Oh, it will happen just relax." Relax, Really?! They haven't got a clue what this is like for us. 

To make matters worse, I feel like each failure only makes me more committed to trying again. Once you’ve invested such a large portion of your life to having a child, its even more difficult to come away empty-handed. Where can your search finally end if you never get to experience those first kicks that feel like butterflies fluttering around in your stomach or if you never get that rush of emotion from holding a newborn in your arms as it opens its eyes for the first time? How do you give up on that?

I am staying hopeful and prayerful. I'm trying not to let it consume me, but I cant help but think of it most of the day. I pray that God withdraws the fear and anxiety and deposits peace and patience into my heart.