Birth Control + Lupron + Laurie = DISASTER!

HOLY MOLY--- birth control with the addition of Lupron shots its ten BILLION TIMES WORSE!!

My sister and I were raised like boys. We have four brothers and there was no patience for emotional females. If you fall down you dust yourself off, often with a few stitches in my case and try again. There is currently no dusting going on. There is hot & cold sweats, anger, high-highs, low-lows and lots of Kleenex. I feel like any one else but myself in every way. I have one more day of this combo and then I get to stop taking my birth control.... YaY!!! I'm dropping birth control to start two more subcutaneous (tummy) shots next week. I can take pain better than this emotional craziness. I hope my irrational state subsides. 

Today, Ben came home from work and I was standing in front of the stove-- not just crying but sobbing. He came in, held me in his arms and asked:

"What is wrong babe?" 
"Nothing's wrong," I answered. 
"Well, why are you crying then babe?" Ben asked.
"I don't really know." I replied.
"Did you have a bad day at work?" Ben asked.
"No, I had a great day!" I replied.
"Are you hurting?" he asked.
"No." I said. 
"Okay" he replied. 

Without asking any more questions, he continued to console the tears and ridiculous behavior.

Have you ever prayed to just be yourself? As I have reflected on past prayer it seems as though I have asked for something more, to be improved. Never in my life have I wanted to just be me, flaws and all! Today I am thankful for Kleenex.

Injections begin....

INJECTIONS BEGIN...
1. LUPRON- aka the Loopy drug. I have been on this for two weeks already. My unlucky husband!! While it is important to stimulate several eggs, it is equally important to prevent the release of the eggs prior to the egg retrieval. Lueprolide Adetate (Lupron) prevents ovulation and increases the number of eggs that are retrieved from the ovaries. The injection is administered just below the skin in the abdomen.

SIDE EFFECTS: Hot flashes, headaches, severe mood swings, dryness, bone loss and painful intercourse.... so bring on MENOPAUSE!!

It didn't feel good but it also didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Benny was a saint today and gave me my very first injection. It officially begins.....

Birth Control + Laurie = WATCH OUT!

It's official--- I'm NO FAN of birth control....

The first day we decided on IVF our doc prescribed a high dose birth control pill to help prevent my body from releasing hormones that could stimulate natural ovulation. During that week we decided to wait one more cycle for our direct doc to oversee our IVF. Each doc cycles every 12 weeks so this puts me on Birth Control for longer than expected. You never take the last week of Placebo pills which puts your hormones in an absolute frenzy  I have been on birth control for 7 weeks. I'm hating it and Ben may possibly be hating it more. I'm an emotional wreck which those close to me know.... is anybody but me. 

My goods arrived in the mail yesterday. They overnight the meds to your house. I feel like a druggy with all this jazz sitting on my kitchen table.

 I start my Lupron shots tomorrow in my tummy. I am nervous!

The journey continues....

THE HAPPIEST pLaCe On EaRtH...

DISNEYLAND---- My most favorite place EVER!!!

We left Wednesday morning and spent a night in Vegas on our way to Disney with the family. We stayed at the Marriott down the street from the parks which was fab! We got 2 day hopper passes and spared NO time at all. I realized really fast how old I am. I remember running the parks with my brothers and after one day of rides, rides, rides I was feeling a little worn out. WHAT IS THAT?! Welcome to my THIRTIES!! We had so much fun together and I loved being back in one of the places Ben and I
fell in love when we were dating.

Saturday we all went to Huntington Beach to chill out and put up our warn out feets. The kids went for a swim while we caught a few rays. It was a little chilly with it being so early in the season. I SURE Love my in laws like my own fam! Thanks for a wonderful vaca!!

On our way home Ben and I spent three days in Vegas at the Bellagio for our anniversary. It was our first time staying there and WE LOVED IT!!! Our suite was facing the water so we caught ourselves kicking up our feet and watching the fountains ALL THE TIME! Not to mention you are right upstairs from the chocolate fountains for fresh crepes. That made the incredible workout facility a staple in our vaca before we hit the pools. We saw ONE, The Michael Jackson Cirque Show on Tuesday night. We have seen all but Zumanity and this one is hands down THE BEST ONE YET!! Although we are a bit biased! We love our Michael!! The Bellagio is a beautiful hotel!! It was a nice relaxing way to wind down 

before we head back to work. I love my husb more than ever!! Happy Anniversary!!!

We ReLaXeD and iT DiDn'T HaPPeN....

There is so much I’ve been wanting to write about; so much I have been feeling and so much we’ve been through over the past three years. It has been a crazy road of infertility so if you want to follow along in the trenches of my daily detox exploits, it begins... from inseminations to the roller coaster of in vitro!

How many times can you be asked; when are you going to have kids? I understand we are thirty (I'm 29 and Ben's 32), members of the LDS faith and married. That allows more pressure to the question but COME ON!  Then once people know you can't have kids, even your closest friends try to make you feel better with some pretty incredible one liners... 

We have heard it all! In spite of it.... Whose business is it? Well it is now all of yours... mostly just for me to let it all out!

Ben and I got married three years ago in June and with being older we did start right away trying to make some babies. I had my annual pap 3 months later where my doc found cancer on my cervix so I went in for surgery to have it removed. My OB (whom I love and adore) was out of town so I saw another doc in the practice. The surgery is supposed to be postponed if you're pregnant so the nurse took the pregnancy test before my surgery. The surgery went well and everything was removed. The following day I got a call saying my results were positive. We were excited but within three days after surgery I miscarried. Ben and I were devastated! Not knowing if it was fate or the surgery, we stayed hopeful for the future. 

After another year of trying and no success Dr. Ponder referred us to Dr. Hatasaka at my annual exam. We were excited for answers if nothing else so we scheduled right away at Reproductive Care Center above the Sandy Library. We met Dr. Harry Hatasaka for a little over an hour appointment to discuss our past, lifestyle and the path for the future. Doctors usually start with the male first as the tests are far less invasive and then move to the female. Ben was scheduled for a sperm analysis and I was scheduled for a panel of blood work, ultrasound and Hysterosalpingogram. The first two were no big deal. The last one was killer!! 

I was scheduled at St. Marks hospital at 8am on a Wednesday morning. My doctor gave me a muscle relaxant and Lortab. I can't imagine how much worse it could have been without those two jewels!! I came into a large, cold and sterile x ray room. They have you go to the bathroom and then take every thing off on the bottom. You lay on a cold x ray exam table, in stirrups with a sheet across you like an annual exam. Sarah, a nurse practitioner came in with an x ray tech to do the procedure. They blow up a small balloon inside you and then a dye is injected through the cervix into the uterus and Fallopian tubes to see if there is any blockage. The nurse said I would have labor like contractions and I decided that day that an epidural sounds really great! The contractions got so intense at the very end that I passed out. I had my Victoria Secret Sweat shirt on top of a shirt and sports bra so I started sweating and couldn't get my body cooled down with so many layers. Waaalaaaaa.... I was out cold! I woke up tipped upside down with cold towels on my forehead. Sarah asked if I was okay and then left the room. I started sliding backward almost on the floor, onto my head so I called for help. My experience was A JOKE but after all that the results came back great.... clean and clear! YaY!!! I hope to never do that again! If I have labor contractions in the future... can I PLEASE request a baby out of them!

After all of our results came back we were told to wait another 4 months for Ben's sperm to regenerate and then come back for another analysis. During that time I was to track ovulation every month, which had always been regular. I think the Doc was giving me any task at all to make me feel like we were getting some where. When we were first married a bunch of Ben's friends competed for results on the HCG diet... aka the worst diet out there! It dramatically effected Ben's hormones. His estrogen levels were high and testosterone levels low. We saw Dr. Moody, a hormone specialist to help get his hormones balanced. Ben felt great but the shots that helped him feel better altered the shape of his sperm causing the challenge for fertility. Waiting 4 months would allow him to be off the hormones for a total of 6 months to see if the morphology improved. 

Another 4 months of waiting isn't what two people wanting to be pregnant--- yesterday necessarily want to hear but Ben has always been good about looking analytically about something while I'm the emotional one!

We waited four months, had the analysis and the results had improved. Not dramatically but we would take anything. The doctor then suggested insemination's every month. I was instructed to schedule an appointment for IUI the day after a positive ovulation test. The nurse practitioner feeds a cathedar into your uterus to directly feed sperm through the Fallopian tube. This makes the trip shorter for the sperm in order to bypass any possible obstruction. For the following year PLUS we did insemination after insemination hoping and praying for success!!

July we decided to take a break. It was becoming a chore and Ben and I were fighting over anything and everything. Infertility puts so much pressure on a marriage!! August of 2012 WE WERE PREGNANT!!! I went in to have my 3 month blood test for my thyrold and my doctor told me I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I sat there for 20 minutes in disbelief. We couldn't have been happier. We had our first ultrasound with Dr. Hatasaka at 8 weeks and everything looked great! He couldn't believe we were pregnant on our own. Then at 12 weeks we had another ultrasound with Dr. Ponder. She was so happy for us that we had finally conceived!! We left the appointment with pictures and enthusiasm. 

Three days later I started cramping and bleeding. It was a Saturday so I called my doctors office and talked to Dr. Peeper, the doctor on call. She said we could go to the E.R. or wait it out and come in Monday for an ultrasound. We waited until Monday and there was no heart beat. Ben and I cried our way home. They thought it was a DNA challenge related to morphology. I started to question if we would miscarry every time we got pregnant on our own if the sperm wasn't complete.

For the following five months we went back to insemination. I started getting irritable, frustrated and losing hope. Every month when I would start my cycle I would not just cry but ball. I doubted myself and the trust God had in us to be parents. I started begging the Lord for guidance and peace to know what we were doing was right. 

It was time again so I called the doctor April 5, 2013 to schedule yet another IUI. It was a Saturday morning and Ben went in 90 minutes before me to donate. He called me immediately after upset at the ambiance. They called him from the waiting room with the donation cup in hand which didn't start the journey well and then led him into a room where ten guys in hard hats were doing heavy duty remodeling right outside his door. I went in for the insemination with another doctors nurse that I hadn't seen before. I LOVED HER!!! She didn't seem callused and abrupt like Dr. Hatasaka's nurse. She was patient and took the time to educate me. This was the first time I was asked to lay down after the procedure in a decline position for 20 minutes before I could leave. 

Two weeks later I started my cycle. More than ever I needed some reassurance. I called the nurse from my last appointment and asked her if insemination is really the treatment course we should be doing. She asked me to hold while she looked up my chart and then answered; "POSSIBLY". I got off the phone shocked. I couldn't believe her answer. If the specialists you are paying thousands of dollars to "possibly" thinks you are on the right path you are most definately in the wrong place! 

That day I called down to the University of Utah Infertility specialists and made an appointment for April 24th with Dr. Ahmad Hammoud. I actually loved that I couldn't get into him for two weeks. We had all of our records transferred. Our first experience was NIGHT AND DAY!! We met for over and hour in a normal treatment room instead of a decked out office with a chandelier and five thousand dollar desk. It was the first time in years I felt at peace. I was frustrated we had wasted so much time but thankful I knew we were in the perfect place based on our past experience. He ordered a Hamster Penetration Test for Ben to see if his sperm penetrates through the egg wall and scheduled me for an ultrasound on day seven of my cycle for an evaluation. 

At the ultrasound he had received back his test results and we had ZERO PERCENT PENETRATION which means the many insemination's we did NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED!!! I couldn't believe it! I felt duped!! Were we on Punked with Ashton?? I think Ben was more upset at the money we had wasted but I was definitely emotionally devastated. Dr. Hammoud explained our only option is in vitro. We would need to do ICSI which penetrates the egg with a small needle allowing the sperm to get inside. 

WHERE DO WE SIGN??? We were ready! I started birth control starting our IVF cycle.

CLOSER to 30...

Another year older and praying for WISER!! Today was a wonderful day. Once again, Ben made it one of the best weekends EVER! I woke up Wednesday and Ben said; "Do you want to go see Kim & Jake for your birthday?" These are our best friends in the whole world that live in Idaho. I couldn't say yes fast enough. Then he said; I found a Coke machine and we can pick up on the way. With Ben's alternative motives we headed to Oregon first thing Thursday morning to pick up a Coca Cola Machine. We spent the day & night relaxing, shopping (Ben got me a new iPhone) and EATING at one of our favorites, Cheesecake Factory! 

We woke up the next day, ate a wonderful breakfast and headed to Idaho. We spent the weekend laughing like crazy, eating a bunch of delish food, watching Kim and Jake put on an incredible Road Show and lounging with the best of the best! Thank you for letting us stay and 

celebrate with your entire fam! We sure love you guys!!!

Nothing says childhood mems like this!!

Benny and I took a trip to AZ!! YaY back at home sweet home. It is so fun to be back and especially with this man! I never thought we would be back here together where I was born out of ALL PLACES! Ben is having one of his dreams come true this year with starting a full restoration of a 1949 Mercury. His "boat" has made its home at Drive Lines, one of the worlds bests Merc restoration shops in Phoenix, Arizona. We are here to see the progress. We are both super excited. There is nothing like seeing your husb light up over his toys!

 We also went to Dunkins! WE HAD TO bring back two doz to the fam. We grew up riding our bikes down to the local Dunk's on Saturday mornings to get the worlds best dones and then bringing the doughnut holes back!!

Last but definately not least we ate at the best breakfast resturaunt EV called The Daily Dose. Benj got Strawberry Crème Brule Waffles-- YUM TOWN!! They were topped with fresh strawberries, vanilla bean crème brule & whipped cream.

 And I got Banana Bread French Toast... so stinkin' good!
It had caramelized bananas, candied pecans & thick sliced banana bread with crème brule & caramel served with a side of turkey sausage to even things out a bit.

 Thanks to an wonderful weekend with ONE INCREDIBLE MAN!! I can't wait until his toy car is ALL done!